Divorce comes with many emotions—the good, the bad, and the ugly, as they say.
As your children get older, they may rediscover feelings that were suppressed for some time, which I recently experienced along with a few of my divorcee friends. While younger kids often struggle with the basic concept of separation, teenagers and adult children process divorce differently—sometimes with greater awareness but also with deeper emotional challenges.
Older children might understand more, but that doesn’t always mean they accept it easily.
They may feel resentment, sadness, or relief depending on the situation. So, how can parents support older children in processing and healthily coping with divorce?
Acknowledge Their Feelings—Without Defensiveness:
This can be a tough pill to swallow; although you never want to be defensive with your children, it’s all too easy to do so, especially when you’re feeling blamed. Older children, particularly teens, and young adults are likely to experience strong emotions regarding divorce. They might express feelings of anger and disappointment or even take sides. It’s essential for parents to allow space for these emotions without becoming defensive. Instead of justifying the divorce or dismissing it, practice active listening:
“I hear that you’re upset, and that’s okay.”
“I know this is hard for you, and I’m here if you ever want to talk.”
“I understand you have questions, and I’ll do my best to answer them.”
It’s essential to give each child space to process their feelings without needing to protect their emotions and to help them feel validated.
Be completely transparent and keep it age-appropriate:
Older kids may need more information about why the divorce happened. While they don’t need the entire unfiltered story, honesty (without oversharing) helps them feel respected.
For example:
Instead of “Your dad/mom ruined everything,” say, “We had differences we couldn’t work through, and this was the best decision for everyone.”
Instead of “I don’t know how I’ll manage without your other parent,” say, “This is a big change, and I’m adjusting too, but we’re all going to be okay.”
Finding a balance between honesty and discretion avoids imposing unnecessary emotional burdens on them.
Be sure they know they do not have to take sides:
Older children may experience pressure—from within or outside—to take sides. They might be concerned about hurting one parent’s feelings or feel guilty about maintaining a relationship with both.
Emphasize that they do not have to choose. Encourage them to build connections with both parents and remind them that your love for them is unconditional.
Be Prepared for Delayed Reactions
While younger children may react immediately to divorce, older kids—especially young adults—might need more time to process it; you might be surprised by how long this can take, possibly months or years. They may seem fine initially but can struggle later, particularly during significant events like graduations, weddings, or family holidays.
Keep the lines of communication open, even months or years after the divorce.
A simple “I know this change is still something we’re all adjusting to. How are you feeling about everything?” can go a long way.
Model Healthy Relationships Moving Forward
Older kids learn about relationships by observing their parents. When you start new relationships, be mindful of how you introduce them and the messages you convey.
Love, respect, and communication remain crucial, even after a marriage. If they express concerns about your dating again, listen to them without dismissing their feelings.
Encourage Them to Seek Support
Even if they appear mature, older kids can gain from speaking with a counselor, therapist, or trusted mentor.
Encourage seeking support and foster open conversations. If they are hesitant about professional help, suggest journaling, joining support groups, or talking to friends who understand.
Divorce can be just as challenging for older children as it is for younger ones, but with open communication, validation, and support, they can navigate it healthily. Parents play a crucial role in helping them process emotions, redefine family dynamics, and find stability in the changes ahead.
If you’re a parent going through a divorce with older children, take a deep breath. Keep talking, listening, and, most importantly, loving them through it all.
You got this; even if you feel many days, you do not. Breathe and Breathe again!