The Best Ways to Communicate With Your Ex (and Leave the Kids Out of It)

Co-parenting with an ex can feel like navigating a minefield—one wrong step, and BOOM. Emotions flare, misunderstandings happen, and suddenly, your once peaceful day is anything but. One of the biggest mistakes people make? Using the kids as messengers, leverage, or emotional support. Your children deserve to be just that—kids. They shouldn't be responsible for passing messages, refereeing conflicts, or carrying the weight of your frustrations.

So, how do you communicate effectively with your ex without dragging the kids into the mix? Here are the best ways to keep things clear, civil, and—most importantly—kid-free.

1. Use a Co-Parenting App

There are several co-parenting apps designed to streamline communication and minimize conflict. Apps like OurFamilyWizard, Talking Parents, and Cozi allow you to schedule visits, track expenses, and send messages without miscommunication. Bonus? The messages are time-stamped and can't be altered, which helps keep things accountable and drama-free.

2. Stick to Business

Treat your communication like a business transaction. Keep emotions out of it. Stick to the facts, be direct, and avoid unnecessary personal commentary. If you wouldn’t say it in an email to a colleague, don’t tell your ex.

Example: "I can't believe you forgot to pick up Johnny again. You're so irresponsible!"✅ "Johnny's pick-up was at 3:00 PM today. Can we confirm future times to avoid confusion?"

3. Email Over Text

Texts can be impulsive and emotionally charged, leading to misinterpretation and heated arguments. Email allows for more thought-out responses and provides a written record. If you must text, keep it short, clear, and only about logistics.

4. Establish Boundaries

Set clear guidelines for communication:

• No calling or texting after a specific time unless it's an emergency.

• No discussing personal lives—stick to parenting matters.

• No engaging in arguments via text. If tensions rise, take a step back and respond later.

Boundaries protect your mental peace and prevent unnecessary conflict.

5. Designate a Neutral Third Party (If Necessary)

If direct communication is impossible without tension, consider using a mutual friend, family member, or mediator for essential discussions. This works well in high-conflict situations where every exchange turns into a battle.

6. Use a Shared Calendar

Instead of constant back-and-forth texts about schedules, keep everything in one place. Google Calendar, Cozi, or a shared paper planner can help keep track of school events, vacations, and custody schedules without unnecessary conversations.

7. Keep It Short and Sweet

Less is more when dealing with an ex. Keep messages brief and to the point. The more words, the higher the chances of misinterpretation. If they send a long, emotional message, don’t match their energy. Reply with only what’s necessary.

8. Don’t Vent to Your Kids

Your kids should never be your sounding board regarding your ex. Call a friend, talk to a therapist, or write in a journal if you need to vent. Your child should never feel they must take sides or fix your problems.

9. Focus on the Goal

The goal is to co-parent effectively. It’s not about who “wins” the conversation or proving a point. It’s about raising happy, healthy kids in a stable environment. If a message isn’t productive, don’t send it.

10. Know When to Walk Away

Not every message requires an immediate response. If your ex is pushing your buttons, take a deep breath, step away, and reply when you’re calm. Silence can be powerful when used wisely.

Co-parenting isn’t always easy, but keeping your communication clean, respectful, and kid-free will make it smoother for everyone involved. Your kids deserve to be shielded from adult conflicts, and by handling things maturely, you set an example of how to deal with challenging situations gracefully.

And if your ex refuses to cooperate? Keep doing your part. Lead by example. Your kids will thank you for it.