Divorce is often referred to as a "breakup of a family," but the truth is that family ties remain. They stretch, shift, and evolve over time but don’t disappear. For many parents, the hope is that the turbulence of divorce will smooth out as children grow older and everyone finds their rhythm in the new normal. But what happens when, years later, your child starts to take sides?
It’s a gut punch, plain and simple. After all the effort you put into ensuring your kids felt loved and supported—even amidst your heartbreak—seeing them gravitate toward one parent or adopt a critical stance against you can feel like betrayal. But before you let resentment take root, it’s important to unpack what’s happening.
Understanding the Dynamics
When kids take sides, it’s rarely about picking a “winner” or “loser” in the divorce. Instead, it’s often a reflection of:
Unresolved Emotions: Even as adults, children may carry feelings they didn’t fully process during the divorce. These emotions can resurface at milestones like graduations, weddings, or the birth of their children.
Influence from the Other Parent: Sometimes, a parent may inadvertently (or deliberately) encourage loyalty conflicts through subtle comments or actions that paint the other parent negatively.
Perceived Injustices: Kids may misinterpret events or decisions during the divorce. For example, they might believe one parent didn’t fight hard enough for them or prioritize them.
Their Life Challenges: Sometimes, taking sides is less about you and more about your child’s own struggles. Aligning with one parent may feel like a way to gain stability or validation.
What Not to Do
Feeling defensive when your child pulls away or accuses you of past mistakes is natural. But how you respond can either deepen the divide or pave the way for healing. Here are a few missteps to avoid:
Don’t Fight Fire with Fire: Avoid bad-mouthing the other parent, even if you’re tempted to set the record straight. It won’t make your child feel better—it will just escalate the tension.
Don’t Play the Victim: While it’s okay to acknowledge your feelings, leaning too heavily on guilt or pity can push your child further away.
Don’t Demand Loyalty: Relationships are built on love and respect, not obligation. Forcing your child to pick sides will likely backfire.
Steps Toward Reconnection
If your child seems to be taking sides, it’s not necessarily the end of your bond. Here are steps to rebuild trust and understanding:
Listen Without Defending: When your child expresses grievances, resist the urge to justify your actions or correct their perspective. Instead, validate their feelings by saying, “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
Acknowledge Your Mistakes: If there are areas where you fell short, own up to them. A sincere apology can go a long way in mending fences.
Share Your Perspective Thoughtfully: When the time feels right, gently share your side of the story without casting blame. Focus on explaining your intentions rather than disproving their narrative.
Strengthen Your Bond: Invest in your relationship by creating new memories. Quality time can help bridge the gap and remind your child of the love you’ve always had for them.
Seek Professional Support: Family counseling or mediation can provide a neutral space for you and your child to work through lingering issues with guidance.
The Bigger Picture
It’s crucial to remember that relationships are fluid. Just as children grow and evolve, so do their perceptions of their parents. Taking sides today doesn’t mean they’ll feel the same way forever. You can navigate this challenging chapter with grace and hope by staying patient, empathetic, and open to communication.
At the end of the day, your child’s allegiance isn’t the ultimate goal. What matters most is fostering a connection rooted in love, respect, and understanding—even when the journey to get there takes a detour.